17 December, 2008

I've A Lumberjacket And I'm Ok

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but sometimes it seems like mX staff are writing these to try and bait me. Still, on with the show.

You might think I'm about to make fun of bogans or alcoholics or the dentally impaired, but you'd be wrong. I'd just like to point something out to anyone trying to find love through HLAY; anyone that eagerly scours the entries every day hoping to get a mention. A physically abusive mother with three front teeth who is drunk at 10 in the morning is the leading candidate for transport romance. Are you sure that's something you want to be a part of?

10 December, 2008

Please Tell Me You Didn't Sit On His Lap

Harley, I think maybe it's time to tell you the truth. You know how all those kids at school, and then everyone at uni, and now everyone at your job keeps telling you that Santa's not real? Well, they're right. I know we probably should have told you sooner, rather than letting you grow into a 29-year-old with a warped sense of reality, but that's all in the past now. Merry Christmas.

Also, I recommend you watch Silent Night, Deadly Night as a cautionary tale against anyone dressed as Santa.

15 November, 2008

There's Probably Stalkers Overseas, Too

I'll be on holiday in Europe for the next few weeks, so there will be no updates till I get back (unless mX has greatly expanded its territory).

During that time, if you see a Here's Looking At You entry so bad it can't go unmentioned, cut it out, scan it (200 DPI or more) and send it to me; heresleering at gmail dot com. I'll do a catch-up post when I get back.

Until then, treat each other well, be kind and stop staring at that girl on the way home. It's creepy.

11 November, 2008

10 November, 2008

My Name Is Legion, For We Are Many

Given that you know where he lives and you admit that you're stalking him, isn't asking for his number kind of redundant at this point?

My Puns Can Totally Beat Up Your Puns

Gee, if only you had some way of serenading her.

Also, note to mX staff: lift your pun game. The following would all have been acceptable as a headline.

Busk A Move
Buska Rhymes
From Busk Till Dawn
I Like Big Busk & I Cannot Lie

And so forth.

20 October, 2008

Would This Count As A Bail Out?

Nothing against Asian finance girls, but it seems to me that soliciting chocolates via newspaper is not the best foundation for a relationship. I mean, there's not even a promise of anything further, no hint that it might lead somewhere, they just ask for more chocolates. Anyone that responds to that would have to be pretty gullible.

Then again, there are two of them...

15 October, 2008

At Least They Weren't Stomping The Yard

How the hell do you slam dance on a train? And who calls it slam dancing anymore? I either feel too young or too old.

Also, this person wins the prize for mentioning the word "dance" as many times as possible in one paragraph.

14 October, 2008

07 October, 2008

And Get Into My Arterial Blood Clot

Seriously, what the hell, Haylee? Are you complimenting him? Romantic declarations don't usually start with "get out," unless you're Billy Ocean.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess you're not Billy Ocean.


Let me get this straight. Some guy asks you for your number. You want his number also. You think the best way to achieve your mutual goals would be to put an ad in the paper that he might not even see, rather than just give him your number.

All I'm saying is, there's a reason some of you people are still single.

22 September, 2008

Cue The Blue Velvet Quotes

Unsurprisingly, this entry from last week prompted a few replies.

Wow, did you not even bother listening to her? The one thing she said she doesn't do is coffee. That's like someone telling you they're allergic to peanuts, so you offer them a Snickers.

No, you moron, she doesn't want to play catch up! BABY WANTS TO FUCK!

This wins.

19 September, 2008

18 September, 2008

Hey, You Can't Call Yourself Commuter, That's My Thing

Right, that's exactly what public transport needs. Lonely people approaching strangers and ASKING THEM FOR SEX.

And you know what else? Coffee's not that bad.

17 September, 2008

That's The Same Atrocious Aftershave You Wore In Court

This one showed up the other day and I was going to leave it alone, but the number of replies today begs attention.

These are the boring ones (click for higher resolution). Way to sound nothing like a complete pushover, Dave.

Juice, you are one of the few people in this world who deserves true happiness.

Also, to mX staff: This is the third time in a week you've used "Man Hunt" as the heading for one of these (Fitzroy Girl, Dave and Anonymous on the 12th). Is that really all you got, or are you just keen on making Michael Mann/Brian Cox references?

16 September, 2008

Or You Could Just Talk To Her

First of all, what's wrong with Lisa? You don't like her?

Second of all, I'm assuming you work at Sensis. To all other Sensis employees, keep an eye out for someone attempting to chase people with office furniture. Then report them to HR for sexual harassment.

15 September, 2008

I Thought Everyone Knew This

Second carriage from front, about halfway down. There's 22 of them, they all get on at approximately 8:15 am on weekdays and congregate around the doors. They enjoy the music of Genesis, Chicago and one of them is a big fan of Foreigner but won't admit it.

They are primarily herbivores and spook easily, but can often be found gathering near large sources of fresh water.

11 September, 2008

Attention Specimen - Coffee?

A friendly tip to all aliens attempting to propagate hybrid spawn amongst our species - we do not refer to each other colloquially as "female," or "male."

Good luck with the probes.

10 September, 2008

Commuting Is Just A Ride

I have no intention of making fun of this; just wanted to archive it because it's awesome. It would have got more points if it contained a Goatboy quote, but you can't have everything.

05 September, 2008

There's Nothing Emo About Wonderland

Emo glasses. John Mayer. Cassie, you're the lucky one for missing out on landing a douchebag boyfriend.

04 September, 2008

Real Men Do Their Own Needlework

Hey baby, how would you like to come round to my place for some indentured servitude?

02 September, 2008

If It's Good Enough For Bill Paxton, It's Good Enough For You

If nothing else, you have to love this guy's ambition. Is the reason he's lonely because he hits on groups of women simultaneously? Possibly. All I'm saying is, the Mormon church allows polygamy in some circumstances.

Live the dream, brother.

Maybe She's Just Concentrating On Avoiding You

If her eyes are closed, she's either really trying to ignore you, or she's falling asleep on her feet. So you're either creepy or boring, take your pick.

27 August, 2008

Somebody Out There Must Be Needy For A Weedy Shy Guy

Yep, they're all shy. It's totally not you.

There are more than 1.5 million men in Melbourne.

All shy.

Stuff & Nonsense

I intend to make fun of this as soon as I figure out what the hell it says.

22 August, 2008

Are You There, God? It's Me, Awestruck Tall Guy

Deifying the object of your affection - now that's flattery. But consider the implications of such a compliment. The following may also be described as godlike.

Dr. Manhattan:


The Monolith:

None of which you would want to take out to dinner (everyone knows the Monolith never puts out anyway).

20 August, 2008

On, Lusty Gentlemen!

You again? I'm guessing your first love poem wasn't received so well? It's not yet been three weeks and you're already writing poetry to someone else.

"O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circle orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable."

I do admire how seriously you're taking the Romeo thing though - he's all depressed at the start of the play because he's been turned down, then instantly falls madly in love with the next girl he meets. My advice? Get thee to an apothecary.

19 August, 2008

14 August, 2008

I Assume They're All Busy Having Pillow Fights

What I love about this is how specific she is. I'm betting she's had to turn a few offers down at some point.

Girl: "Hey, you're pretty cute..."

Sarah: "Hang on, how old are you?"

Girl: "23."

Sarah: "Fuck off."

Girl: "Excuse me?"

Sarah: "Listen, as far as I'm concerned, lesbians are like apartments. I'm not moving in unless it has new carpet."

13 August, 2008

In Russia, Commuter Stalks You!

Given how much you use the word "da," I can assume one of three things.
1. You're Russian.
2. You're 50 Cent.
3. You're actually 50 Cent's Russian equivalent, Pyat'desyat Rubles (Pублевок 50).

Miss H, the only thing I know about you is that you can do better.

04 August, 2008

Disclaimer: "All Day" Means From 7:21 pm Onwards

Warren of Noble Park: when using the second-person singular simple past tense verb of “were,” followed immediately by the subject pronoun of “you” to begin a sentence, that sentence should end with a question mark to denote the enquiry implied by your word choice.

Everything else in your letter should guarantee you scoring.

31 July, 2008

Here's Lyric At You

Composed of three rhyming couplets, this deceivingly simplistic poem expresses a wealth of feeling and demonstrates skill with metaphor, wrapped in a tender declaration of public transport-related love.

The subject of this particular piece of poetry, the ‘fair academy maiden,’ is left intentionally ambiguous by the poet in an attempt to convey the uncertainty of unrequited love and longing affection. This not only helps the reader empathise with the poet, but also encourages them to recall their own memories of unrequited love, thus ensuring a more immersive experience.

After addressing his intended, the self-declared Romeo describes her as not only beautiful, but so beautiful that she is borne down with it (‘with beauty you are laden’). He or she understands what a weight such beauty must be to carry, simultaneously complimenting the maiden whilst demonstrating the ability to look past the superficial.

The third and fourth lines of the poem are fairly lacklustre and straightforward, expressing the hour the poet became smitten followed by a somewhat predictable personification of his soul as property. The rhyme present in this couplet is also the least successful, stringing together phonetic sounds that, whilst similar, do not match and are in fact jarring. It is possible, however, that the poet intended these lines as a clever play on the theme of transportation – the idea that falling in love on a train could result in something so pedestrian.

The lovestruck poet concludes with an ultimatum that the maiden meet him for coffee, providing a final accolade on the sweetness of her eyes. The juxtaposition of the bitter (coffee) and sweet (toffee) within the same notion speaks worlds about the poet’s view of romance, relationships and the unity of opposites; they would complement and balance each other if only they could be together.

A love poem worthy of recognition.

30 July, 2008

You Should Probaby Rent "The Crying Game" For Good Measure

Two days ago I posted this:

Today came a reply:

I like where this is headed. For anyone else who doesn't know what a Friend of Dorothy is, here's a helpful link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friend_of_Dorothy

Sounds like some hilarious consequences are in store. Now all you need is a girl and a pizza place and you've got yourself a sitcom.

29 July, 2008

Carry On Commuters

I'd like to thank our special guest contributor for today, Mr. Benny Hill.

28 July, 2008

Wait, Does That Make Me Aughra?

First one: if you're a Goth you're supposed to embrace your loneliness, it fuels your shitty poetry.

Second one: Emo guy in a baseball jacket. Because nothing says Emo like America's national pastime.

I had to put both of these up at once to prove they ran together, but also because I have this theory that Goths and Emos are like the Skeksis and the Mystics, and one day they'll both journey to the same place and reunite, leaving us alone forever. As for why that hasn't happened yet, blame the fuckin' Gelflings.